Alcoholism

You'll be happy to know that one of my neighbors has been purchasing beer for her incompetent adult son. He's evidently an alcoholic who gets black-out drunk on mommy's beer and then wants everyone to stay up late on Wednesday nights to hang out with him.

I only know this because they were fighting in their front yard at 10am today. He doesn't remember anything that happened last night. So, his side of the argument is a little hazy. But mommy's position is that he should seek help for his problem.

Hey lady, if you'd stop buying tons of beer for him, maybe he wouldn't drink it all.

Also, neither of you are very easy on the eyes. So, if you could stop drawing so much attention to yourselves, that'd be great.

God Bless America

My idiotic neighbors spend the entire year training for July 4th.

Seriously. 

Not a single day on the calendar year goes buy without one of them finding something to light on fire until it explodes. Independence Day is the official holiday of this neighborhood.

And because everyone in my neighborhood is a bona fide muttonhead, they choose to celebrate in the most idiotic of ways.  Not a mile away, the city has invested thousands of dollars in an impressive fireworks display. That's right. The city has purchased a fireworks display that requires the fire department to be present. They're hiring professionals to blow shit up on a massive scale. You'd think this is exactly the type of entertainment that would tear my neighbors out of their collective lawn chairs. But what are they doing? 

Firing bottle rockets out of empty beer cans in the street. 

Apparently they only like explosions when they're the ones that cause the explosion. 

I should also point out that these types of fireworks are illegal in Minnesota. So, not only are they ignoring the impressive fireworks, but they have chosen to celebrate their independence by participating in illegal actives. I'm quite sure that none of them will ever understand this irony.

My only consolation is that one of them is guaranteed to injure himself.

awfulneighbors@gmail.com

Party time

One of the houses in the cul-de-sac is having some kind of hillbilly reunion tonight.

Last time they organized one of these parties, a shitty cover band played Tom Petty songs for 5 hours straight.

They also covered the Scooby Do theme song.

Some douche-bag parked his porsche in the driveway so the rear was hanging into street. He got out of the car and threw his hands in the air as if to say "The biggest dick at this party has just arrived."

He was right, but just barely.

awfulneighbors@gmail.com

Lawns aren't a place for screaming

Until last night, it had been a few days since I had been genuinely irritated by the hillbillies that inhabit my neighborhood. Luckily, a pair of you morons decided that 1:00am was the perfect time to familiarize the neighbors with the intricate details of your irrelevant relationship.

Now most people would have just called the cops, but I am a tender and caring person. So, I sat quietly by my window and took notes. Hopefully, my insight will help you stay out of divorce court/jail.

1. You don't deserve each other. 
• Seriously. You don't deserve each other.
  
  Actually, you don't deserve anyone. You probably don't even deserve happiness. Think about it; neither of you have any clue how conduct yourself in a neighborhood full of people. If you did, you wouldn't be screaming "Go to fucking hell you crazy bitch" at 1:00 in the morning. It's no wonder that your relationship is falling apart, you're both under the impression that you're the only one who matters.
  
  If karma exists, you'll both die alone.
  
2. Education is your friend
• It's obvious that neither of you has had the funding to finish up that associates degree in ceramics from the local community college, but that still doesn't mean that you should act like an uneducated hillbilly from Coon Rapids. If you're going to treat your personal disagreements like a Broadway production, at least jot a few killer slams onto a napkin before the curtain goes up. Screaming "Fuck you, Bitch!" repeatedly, is not going to win you the tony award that you're obviously shooting for.
  
  
3. You're from Coon Rapids
• Reminder: you live in Coon Rapids.
  
  Is it really a good idea to verbally assault the only person who will probably ever be interested in you? You live in a town that's populated by criminals and trailer trash. So, every time you're about to say "Fine! Go to hell then!" just remember that this is probably the best you're ever going to do. Your partner may not be ideal, but look in the mirror, you're not winning any beauty pageants.
  
  
4. You are an insufferable asshole. 
• See points 1-3

Please, next time you feel like assaulting one another in your front yard, pop in your VHS copy of "Dale Earnhardt's Greatest Hits" and rekindle the romance that your relationship was founded on.

awfulneighbors@gmail.com